“While you’re
juggling multiple [metaphorical] balls in your life, the one you should never
let drop is family“. On the very same day our workshop facilitator uttered these
words, our world changed forever. Within the hour, I’d learned that tragedy had
struck our family. Someone very near and very dear to me had passed too soon.
Shock and disbelief were the overriding emotions, as I navigated feelings of
loss and despair. Guilt-inducing thoughts beginning with “if only…”
plagued our minds as we collectively tried to come to terms with an
irreversible reality.
Over the next few days, I made a
deliberate effort to ‘show up’ for those who needed it most – and with the help
of a supportive work environment, family and friends, I returned to my job
after two weeks. I didn’t know it at the time, but I wasn’t ready… I’d swept
the grief under a metaphorical rug to try and return to ‘normal’ life. I hadn’t
appreciated that although these two types of pain are different by definition, physical
pain and psychological pain from grief share many
similarities – especially in the way they are experienced and processed by the
brain. There is a heap of evidence suggesting they may activate similar neural
pathways, physiological, biochemical and emotional responses. So, while the
pains differ at their source, the blistering burn following an emotional trauma
can be just as painful as a severe chemical burn. In hindsight, I would have
been absolutely justified to approach my recovery with the same level of care
and rehabilitation as having experienced a major physical trauma.
I’ve begun to view my grief with this
awareness. It won’t ever compensate for the loss, but it has helped me start to
come to terms with it. For anyone else in the midst of such emotional
turbulence – pay close attention – because unlike physical injury, it can be
easy to dismiss the effects of grief caused by non-physical trauma. A few
things that might help you navigate through extreme grief include:
Connection: Reaching out to
loved ones, friends or a health professional for support.
Acknowledge: Recognise the
reality of the trauma. The associated grief is something you should aim to work
through, rather than ignore or try to bypass.
Self-care: Taking care of
yourself physically and emotionally – Eating well, exercising, getting enough
sleep and engaging in activities that are meaningful.
Time: Allowing yourself time
to heal since it takes time to work through grief and arrive at a place of
acceptance.
Eight months on the wound is still very
raw, but by consciously applying ‘CAST’ I’m much more in tune with the
grieving process. And, it’s got me thinking about how shitty I felt at various
other times: when my kids transitioned into teenagers; when I retired from team
sports; when I farewelled the capabilities of my younger self (do ‘thirties’ count
as young?)…
What else have I unwittingly grieved
without applying a CAST?